Online Dating Advice For Seniors
Navigating online dating websites and matchmaking services
Hollywood star Sharon Stone’s Bumble account was blocked by the dating app last year because everyone assumed her profile had to be a fake. Though the 62-year-old blonde bombshell was let back into the hive after she proved she was the real deal, experienced online daters know there are plenty still out there who truly are too good to be true.
“Eighty percent of the men I see online misrepresent themselves in one way or another. Some do it intentionally and others do it because they are blind to themselves. They have no idea who they are,” says Lesley Palmiter, 72, a voiceover artist who has been on Match and other sites over the past dozen years.
“It is to the point where I’ve met many men who have put different profiles on different sites, and some go so far as to have different profiles even on the same site. They say they’re separated or divorced when they’re married. They also lie about their age, their height and/or their weight. They use old profile pictures from 20 years ago so they’re unrecognizable if you do meet. I’m often told by men that women do the same.”
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Then when the time comes for that first coffee date or glass of wine, it’s immediately obvious that the person who claimed to be 5’10 is only 5’3. From the get-go, he or she has been marked as disingenuous and untrustworthy. So why do romance seekers do it?
“It’s simple. When there is nothing invested, there is nothing to lose. They treat it as easy come, easy go. Swipe right, swipe left. They want something for nothing,” explains professional matchmaker Elaine Saunders, the owner of Dynamic Introductions in Nashua, whose verified and extensive client roster is mostly in the 50-plus range. “The person who walks through my door is willing to make a time investment, a financial investment, an emotional investment and a spiritual investment. There is accountability. There is no accountability on the internet. That makes all the difference. My clients come to me to avoid the internet.”
Online senior dating can be intimidating and overwhelming, especially with the myriad of sites. To help, SeniorLiving.org conducted a study of the 10 most popular age-specific sites and determined that Our Time, with 1.5 million members as of October 2019, is superior overall; Silver Singles offers the best pricing starting at just $25 per month; and Senior Match is tops for active seniors. For anyone looking to connect with a partner who practices a specific faith, Christian Mingle or JDate (for Jewish people) are good resources. Plenty of Fish is free, but because of that users have to sort through plenty of scammers and fake profiles, and the other drawback is that it’s not age-limited.
“I’ve tried Match, Plenty of Fish and Our Time. It’s a lot of work. It’s like a part-time job. You’ve got to work it. Timing is everything,” says Dr. Pierre Angier, 60, a primary care physician from Wolfeboro. “My goal with online dating, and I’ve told women this right up front, is to make a friend. If it turns out to be more than that, wonderful. That takes all the pressure off. A lot of people go into this thinking that on the first date they’re going to get a diamond or get lucky. I’m all for going slow.”
The COVID-19 virus pandemic has forced people to slam on the brakes. They’re still searching and flirting online and then meeting in person, it’s just done another way now.
“When this pandemic started, I asked myself how I can capitalize on this, so I changed my profile. Now it says ‘Seeking a friend for the end of the world. Looking for a partner to make the most of life, since it might be short,’” laughs Angier. “I have gone on some dates since COVID-19 started, but in keeping with social distancing, I went with a lady for a walk on Rye Beach before they closed it. I took a bike ride with another lady and had another date to go for a neighborhood walk at the appropriate distance. It’s very different, but in a way it’s good because you avoid that awkward end-of-date question as to whether you give a kiss or shake hands. Now we don’t even do that,” says Angier. “In all of this, you have to go very slowly, and you can get to know someone better before you dive headlong into a relationship. It’s almost like an old-time, old-fashioned courtship. That’s not all bad but it does present some challenges.”
Online Dating Advice Don't
Despite the new hurdles, the old do’s and don’ts for creating an enticing online profile still apply.
Online Dating Advice For Seniors Over 50
“Use current and sincere pictures that convey who you think you are. Keep it light. Keep it aspirational. Keep it on the positive. Keep it open,” says Palmiter. “In their profiles, too many men say about the woman they seek, ‘She has to be this. She must do that. She will do that. She should act this way.’ That is a total turnoff. State what you’re looking for in a partnership and say what it is you can offer in return,” she says.
When it comes to dating pointers, Saunders can help, particularly for the recently widowed or divorced, people who have been out of the scene and are out of practice.
“Coaching my clients on how to date is part of the services I offer,” says Saunders. “A lot of people are confused about what to do, about what they’re doing right or what they’re doing wrong or if they should fish or cut bait with someone,” she says, adding that she only accepts clients who are stable, sincere, and relationship-seeking, whether that entails marriage or companionship.
There is rarely a standard charge for a matchmaking service as it is a private contract between individuals, but on average, the cost can range from $250 for the basics to in excess of $5,000 for VIP services. For those who have found love and marriage this way, it’s a small price to pay.
So what keeps Palmiter on the online sites with monthly charges, searching there for The One?
“I’m an optimist,” she says. “You’re never too old to find happiness. You’re never too old to fall in love.”
Online dating is absolutely a must for any single man or woman over 50. Over the years, the industry has adapted to the needs of senior singles. Online dating is no longer just for singles in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.
You have a variety of dating sites and apps to choose from and a nearly endless number of people to meet. However, you’ll want to know a few things before jumping in head first. Here are 10 tips for online dating if you’re 50 or older.
1. Know Which Dating Site to Choose
If you want to have the most efficient and exciting online dating experience, I suggest you vet a few sites and apps to see if they meet your needs before deciding on one or two to join. Take a few minutes to see which platforms are available in your area, and check out the profiles on the homepage to see if the singles seem like they’re your type.
Take note if the users seem to be active. You want to join sites and apps that have users who will engage with you. You don’t want to have to deal with profiles that have been abandoned by their creators.
You have a variety of senior dating sites and apps to choose from, so you want to make sure you sign up for the right platform.
Most mainstream dating sites and apps, like Match and Elite Singles, can cater to over-50 singles, but I also recommend choosing a niche dating site or app (i.e. a site that’s specifically for Christian singles). You want to mix things up. The point of online dating is to meet as many people as you can. If you find that you don’t like a site or app, you can cancel the membership and try a new platform. No harm; no foul.
2. Think About Your Dating Goals
Before you rapidly post a profile, think about your dating goals and what you want to say in your profile. The main reason you want to prepare is because many dating sites and apps will prominently feature your profile on the homepage in some manner because it’s brand new. You don’t want to waste that advantage with a lackluster profile.
Do you want a relationship? Do you want to make friends? Do you want a casual relationship? The answers to these questions will help determine how you go about online dating.
Make sure you have a collection of high-quality and varied photos (e.g., photos of your face, body, and activities you enjoy participating in). People who’ve read my book know I insist on using a professional photographer at least for your main profile photo. Of course, if you’re not serious about finding a relationship and only want to test the waters, informal photos are just fine. Just know that leading with those photos can send a message to your fellow singles that you’re not interested in finding love. Don’t be surprised if the messages you get are from non-relationship seeking singles.
3. Write an Enticing Profile
When writing your profile, aim for a few paragraphs (about 200 to 300 words). Too short and your profile just disappears into a sea of vague descriptions. If your profile is too long (longer than 500 words), it starts to sound like a college application essay, and you’ll lose people’s interest. Within this text, you’ll want to talk about your personality as well as at least three of your favorite hobbies.
You want to write a profile that expresses who you are and makes people want to reach out.
Specifically for gentlemen, please refrain from assuming that women put an emphasis on physical attraction before emotional attraction the way most men do. Don’t just post three sentences and a few photos with the phrase “If you’re interested, hit me up.” Yes, women can care more about the initial physical attraction. However, real attraction for women often starts with who a man is (i.e. his interests and how she thinks he might treat her).
Weave in some examples of how you’ll treat her: “I’m still a bit of an old-school gentleman. You won’t have to wait. I always get the door for a lady.” Little tidbits like that.
4. Embrace Your Age
If you’ve turned 50 and are looking for love, I recommend that you refrain from seeking out younger singles. That includes not joining dating sites and apps that are geared toward men and women in their 20s and 30s (i.e. Bumble). I often hear single men who are 50 complain that they’re not finding quality single women over 45. When I press a little, I discover they’re still looking for love on dating apps geared toward women more than 10 years younger than they are.
If you’re really looking for love, try to approach dating differently than you did in your 20s.
Delete those profiles, and get with the program. If you really want marriage or a life partner with love at the core, then use the dating sites and singles apps for your age demographic. If you’re 53 years old or older and some of your dates are still in their mid-to-late 40s, you might need to join both Match and OurTime.
5. Be Proactive
Since the drive to procreate often diminishes after people get older, the dating process can be slower than when you were 28 and looking for someone with whom to have children. The pace is different now, so try not to compare your dating pursuits to what they were like when you were younger.
Take matters into your own hands — send the first message and ask for the first date.
You will likely need to work the online dating scene for a year or so to bear the fruit you seek of a long-term relationship. Plan accordingly. Sure, most of us know an amazing senior couple who met during a Free Communication Weekend on eharmony and married six months later, but they’re a rarity. Don’t put that pressure on yourself.
This does mean, however, that you need to make more of an effort to get things moving, keep things going, and get to the first date. Don’t wait for someone to message you — try to make the first move yourself.
6. Keep Your Geographical Search to a Reasonable Distance
Most of us have heard stories of senior singles finding each other from across the country or across the world, but those are the exception. There can be plenty of wonderful people to meet within a more manageable distance.
For example, if you’re based in San Francisco, you can expand your search to include Sacramento, Redding, Gilroy, and the Monterrey area. If business or friends and family take you to Southern California with any regularity, then expand your search to that area, too. Ditto to SoCal residents who fly up to Northern California at least once a quarter. A regular commuter flight is almost like driving there.
Consider if you’re willing to move for a romantic partner. If you’re not, try to keep your search parameters realistic.
Just keep things realistic. It’s best to keep your search to something where the two of you could easily drive to meet each other every weekend. Midweek dates might be more challenging, and you may have to meet halfway for the first few months of dating. Unless you’re fine with moving hundreds of miles away, don’t jump too quickly to searching beyond a reasonable drive for you. How will you realistically date someone? Long-distance relationships can work, but I don’t recommend starting there.
7. Keep the Conversation Moving
Not everyone is great at making small talk, especially via emails and texts. Some people can barely come up with a few questions to break the ice in the first message. What can be helpful is really taking the time to read someone’s profile, pick up on his or her interests, and inquire further. This keeps the message exchange moving.
Don’t just share information about yourself; ask your online matches about their personality, interests, work, and family.
This is another reason to keep your dating bio shorter than a college entrance essay. You need to leave something for potential dates to ask you about. Drop some conversation-starting breadcrumbs in the body text of your profile, which will prompt potential dates to send you messages and ask you questions. This is especially helpful if you’re nervous about sending the first message.
8. Don’t Get Stuck in a Messaging Blackhole
It’s often around the third or fourth message that people can get caught in the doldrums. If you don’t keep asking questions and sharing some information about yourself, then your potential date doesn’t have a reason to respond. Don’t just answer your potential date’s questions in your message without giving him or her a reason to respond.
Messaging is fun, but you want to get to the first date so you can see if there’s chemistry.
If you haven’t gotten a response from a match in a day or two, revisit his or her profile and find two things you could inquire about. “Hi, Jon! I see you like reading mysteries. Who are your two favorite authors, and what do you like most about their books?” See, you asked about something he really enjoys, and he’s more likely to respond.
9. Get to the First Date
I hear from both senior men and women that they don’t want to waste their time and money on dates that don’t result in lasting love. Sometimes they spend too much time in the messaging phase trying to weed out people they wouldn’t marry. I’ve also heard of singles having multiple phone conversations before meeting for the first coffee or lunch date.
For goodness sake’s, it’s a date. It’s coffee and a pastry. It’s fizzy water and an appetizer. It’s not dinner for two overlooking the Seine River for five hours. You two are still complete strangers. I say please don’t waste your time bonding over the phone with someone with whom you may have absolutely no in-person chemistry. Exchange a handful of messages demonstrating interest and the ability to engage in small talk, and then meet up.
I recommend setting up the first date after a few days of messaging.
I also recommend waiting to Google your date and search for their social media profiles until after about three dates when it’s clear that you both are interested in each other or not. Remember to keep the goal of online dating in mind: to meet a number of lovely people you’re not readily meeting with your current lifestyle. Don’t weed potential dates out so much that you’re not actively dating.
Do aim to get to the first date, and remember that, by meeting more interesting, new people, you’re keeping your social muscles toned. Plus, dates who are great people but just not a match for you can be woven into your extended social circle.
10. Go for Coffee or Lunch, Not Dinner
Unlike what I recommend to singles under 50, I suggest that you meet your first dates for coffee or lunch, not drinks after work. It can take the pressure off you two.
Maybe you meet and you find that there just aren’t any sparks. That really is the goal of the first date. It’s just to vet for in-person chemistry before you two give your hearts away on a fantasy — only to be surprised when you realize that you don’t curl each other’s toes. Remember, it’s OK to make new friends.
Going for a quick coffee and pastry is way less intimidating that going for a two-hour dinner.
Keep breaking the ice with new people online, and mix in some different dating sites and apps to keep things varied and moving. Keep messaging and small talking with people, and get to the first date. Then choose to date them, weave them into your social circle, or bless them on their way. It’s the law of physics applied. If you remain passive, you’ll stay exactly where you are. Once you get things moving, then you’ll be dating and well on your way to finding love.
Take Control of Your Online Dating Life
Taking the proactive approach in your dating life is a whole lot more fun. You’ll get out of the house and have a terrific social life while looking for a lifelong love. When you’re enjoying life, smiling, and happy, you’re magnetically attractive wherever you go. With that kind of inner and outer sparkle, you’ll be attracting your life partner sooner than you think.
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